Why do I struggle to make decisions?

Do you find yourself at an impasse to make choices around both seemingly insignificant as well as important matters?  All around you see others who do not seem to agonize with decisions and you may wonder: what is different about me?  Why does it take me so long to decide on a final choice?

Since I have been a teenager I have struggled to make decisions.  I find myself turning over the two (or more) options in my mind for an indefinite period of time.  These difficult decisions are not often of utmost importance. For example, often at the restaurant table I opt to go last and even then I’m still choosing between two dishes..  At other times I have struggled in deciding between applying for a new job or staying with my current one- and more often than not the job is already filled before I have made the decision to apply.  

Years ago I came across the categorization of decision makers in two different categories: 

Maximizers and Satisficers.

Maximizers spend a lot of time looking at all of the options before making a decision, this may take a longer than anticipated time.  This can mean finding a superior deal on a flight or a new TV, but many studies show that maximizers are often more easily dissatisfied and engage in more social comparison after the choice.  As you can tell I have a history of being a classic maximizer.

Satisficers, on the other hand, do not consider as many options but are more likely to end the decision-making process when they come across a “good enough” option.  Generally speaking, they may not find as good of a deal, but they do not spend as much time on the decision making process, and surprisingly have fewer regrets.

My partner is the complete opposite to me- he does not agonize over decisions, he is a true Satisficer.  If there is a need for a very quick grocery trip I definitely send in my partner as he will have no problem choosing between the 10 different types of ice cream at the store.

It seems the very quality that can aid a maximizer to find a good choice, can also result in further misery- ongoing comparison and reflection on their own decisions.

Indecision may come from a lack of self-confidence or belief in your own abilities to make good choices for yourself- this may be due to perfectionism, or anxiety. Having high standards and self-judgement may inhibit the making of a decision. As well avoidance is a coping strategy that temporarily alleviates anxiety but ultimately increases it in the long run as decisions remain longer and longer in one's mind the more they are avoided.

Decision Paralysis is also a symptom of ADHD as decision-making process is a complex process that involves a high level of executive functioning skills, including task initiation, remembering and paying attention to details, and thinking about multiple different consequences, and finally taking in account all of these factors to make a decision.

Difficulty in decision making could it could be due to negative experiences in the past connected with living your authentic self where you weren’t supported, for example if you experienced verbal abuse by caregivers or an abusive partner. 

In all likelihood your difficulty in decision making may come from a variety of these factors, as does mine.

Over the years I can happily say that although I do still struggle with decisions I have become more decisive, but I am by no means a satisficer, like my partner.

From a psychological as well as a personal perspective here are some things that help and don’t help those who struggle with decision-making 

1. As you are making a decision, take time to reflect on your values- what’s important to you in your life right now- does this decision significantly impact this.  What do you want your life to look like in 5 years and does this decision connect to this future life vision?

2. Get to know your true and authentic self, spend time journaling.  Make everyday choices to spend time on activities you enjoy, rather than just work and obligations.  Start to notice what makes you feel more alive in this stage of your life.  Do you enjoy sports?  Do you love cooking or quality time with friends?  Schedule time for these activities.

3. Spend time just observing your thoughts, noticing where self-judgement and social comparison crop up in your everyday life.  Gently let those go without engaging those thoughts.  

4. Avoid relying on others to make decisions for you, you can ask for input from others, but ultimately own your choices. If you are  asking for input- consider if the amount of advice you are asking is proportionate to the importance of the decision. An over-reliance on others to your decision-making can further increase your anxiety and hinder your growth in making decisions for yourself.

5. Remember the phrase: hindsight is always 20/20.  After an event has happened we may feel as if we have greater clarity once we are able to see the final outcome.  However it is important to remember that you did not have all that information at the time of decision.  In addition, you do not know what your life would have been like if you had made the other decision- it may have been better or worse - it is impossible to know.

6. Consider the importance of the decision vs. the value of your time.  If the decision is of relatively low importance consider taking the satisficer route and picking the best available option within the time frame you would like to spend on it. Remind yourself that the impact of this decision may not be worth the amount of time and brain power it is taking to make the decision.

7. For more important life decisions allow yourself time, and if you are not able to come to a decision- remember no decision is a decision in itself.  Perhaps that is what you needed right now

   
   

8. Ask for support from people (accountants, coaches, financial advisors, counsellors) who can help you map out or produce the information you need to make the decision. This is especially true for financial decisions. Map out your decision making options using a pros and cons list in a document, and give yourself a set period of time to work on it, schedule your decision making time in your calendar.

8. Avoid comparing yourself to others. What we see as successful, may not be the whole picture.  Your job is to live your life in a way that fits your life goals. Your job is not to live someone else’s life or expectations in your family, or society of what is success or happiness- only you can determine what success and happiness looks like.

9. Practice gratitude, mindfully notice daily glimmers in life. For me today it was the falling petals of the cherry blossoms and the north shore Mountain ranges as I drove home from driving a child to see a friend. The more we are attuned to the daily joys and beauty the more our cup can feel full in life and we can start to feel satisfaction in our lives.

If you would like to connect with a counsellor to help you navigate life’s decisions and work together to live from your confident and authentic self reach out to us today at Emotion Wise Counselling at info@emotionwise.ca.