Therapy for Complex PTSD: How to Cope with Painful Feelings of being Alone

Those with CPTSD often feely deeply alone

It is often relationship challenges that drive a person to seek therapy for Complex PTSD at our Vancouver based counselling clinic.  These include: family conflict, marriage difficulties, anger and emotion regulation issues, friendship breakdowns and issues with boundaries. 

Solving these problems and learning practical skills (for example, from DBT) to navigate conflict and set boundaries can improve relationships but it may not solve the underlying painful feelings of being alone as these feelings can linger after coping skills have been developed.

For those seeking therapy for Complex PTSD this feeling of deep aloneness can be felt in the middle of a crowd, when someone you love is busy or does not answer your calls, when falling asleep at night, or even when you see other people on social media connecting with friends and making meaningful connections.

Feeling alone can feel like a dark shadow or pit in your inner being that reemerges with the slightest trigger.  For example, finding out that a friend in your social circle has come into town and did not contact you to connect, or after a hard day of work and having no one to talk to.

The truth is that the invisible trauma of what did not happen that creates this deep feeling of aloneness. It is the lack of care, empathy, active invalidation, being ignored or not being noticed by caregivers, as well as experiences of bullying and exclusion by peers can fuel these deep painful feelings of being alone. We can think of these feelings of aloneness as flashbacks of these painful moment, but unlike single incident trauma we do not always go back to discrete memories. Sometimes we are transported back to childhood and see ourselves alone in our room crying and sad, or in a crowd but by ourself not feeling as if we fit in.

What someone did not receive, is often more deep and painful for those seeking therapy for Complex PTSD than the wounds of active physical assault .

For those with CPTSD feeling alone can fuel thoughts of suicide or wishing they were not alive.  It can bring on deep feelings of emptiness and persistent thoughts of unworthiness, and self-judgement that there is something different or wrong with them inherently as a person.  These feelings often feel as if they have always been inside them since as long as they could remember.

When working with clients seeking therapy for Complex PTSD at our clinic in Vancouver, BC I often sense this is the core and deepest issue for them underneath all of the outward problems. 

Diana Fosha, the founder of AEDP therapy  describes trauma as:

“Unwanted and unwilled overwhelming emotions in the face of helplessness or aloneness.” 

However, as it is the deepest issue, it is often not usually the first issue we focus on in therapy- we often focus on healing what brings greatest relief (PTSD re-experiencing symptoms) as well as building up both internal and practical coping skills and noticing glimmers of hope and positive experiences.

In trauma therapy we often start with healing memories of active harm that produce flashbacks and nightmares (sexual assault, physical violence, etc) so that clients can experience the relief of not having to re-experience those flashbacks daily.   This can allow someone to sleep better, and feel more present in the day to day without feeling under constant threat from past triggers.

I tend to work on feelings of deep aloneness after a person has found new grounding in their wise and authentic self. Working on painful feelings of being alone may feel more accessible where a client has had success in school or work, a positive romantic relationship, or feel connected to their culture and community, and has built up both internal and practical coping skills, for example with DBT therapy or EMDR resourcing or by doing Parts Work.  

We work together to build positive resources in EMDR therapy for Complex PTSD including an attachment figure to remember and build up positive attachment in themselves. For those seeking therapy for Complex PTSD these experiences and relationships may build a strengthened belief and sense of security in their inner self.

This building up of one’s internal self does not happen in a vacuum but happens within the therapeutic relationship in being truly seen. To be truly authentically seen by a warm and caring connected person can begin to heal and lessen feelings of aloneness.  This involves witnessing and actively noticing glimmers of aliveness and connection as well as experiencing deep accompaniment and attunement when a person is feeling unworthiness and shame that often accompany feelings of aloneness.  

How can you cope with painful feelings of alone ?

1. Reach out for support and connection.  When feeling alone, remember and reach out those who you are connected with

   
   

2. Remind yourself that feelings of aloneness is an implicit memory of the feeling of a wound of not getting what you needed emotionally growing up, and is experienced by most people with Complex PTSD

   
   

3. Imagine giving comfort to that part of yourself who is feeling deeply alone, create a comforting scene in your mind for that part of yourself, and imagine a wiser or older self (or a friend or trusted family member) speaking kindly and warmly to your lonely self.

   
   

4. Find a Complex PTSD therapist who can be relationally present with you while exploring the inner wounds of your childhood, processing past trauma including experiences of neglect and aloneness.

For support in healing from Complex PTSD reach out  Emotion Wise Counselling we are here to help you find counselling support virtually and in-person in Vancouver, BC. Reach out today

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