What is attachment trauma?
What happens when the person who we are supposed to receive love from in childhood frightens us, hurts us or ignores us?
We develop insecure attachment, meaning we might feel anxious in our relationships, fear rejection and may be easily defensive or reactive in relationships. This can result in low self-worth, difficulty trusting others, or trusting too easily, as well as challenges with emotion regulation.
The people who raise us growing up (often a mother(s) and/or a father(s) but can include grandparents and other caregivers) provide the building blocks for our own self-worth. Children with healthy attachment who have the experience of feeling loved and cared for and supported as they grow, make mistakes are more likely to feel more secure in relationships later in life and self-confident as adults.
Sometimes we do not get enough validation, care and compassion to meet our needs. Sometimes this takes a subtle form of neglect, criticism and invalidation. For some children their parent’s care and support is unpredictable, vacillating between support and absence.
Most people who come to Emotion Wise Counselling share some experience of this in their childhood.
Sometimes it is subtle, with the arrival of a new younger sibling and being saddled with responsibilities they may not feel seen or may feel less important. Other times it is that the caregiver is suffering from mental illness themselves and does not attend to the child’s health and emotional needs, or they do not provide a space for the client to process their experiences of bullying or troubles at school
People have shared painful stories with me about being belittled daily and physically hurt by their parents. Even more extreme, a caregiver may leave a child for days on end, with no money and expecting them to fend for themselves.
When someone has experienced these adverse childhood experiences they develop coping mechanisms to escape the pain of the trauma. We might think of these coping skills as belonging to the young part of ourselves. For example we may feel guilty and blame ourselves for failure because we did not learn to have self-compassion towards ourselves as we did not receive that ourselves. If we were punished for having intense feelings or being sensitive we may punish ourselves with a critical voice, through overworking, over-exercising, perfectionism, drinking or self-harm.
Healing from Attachment Trauma
Healing of attachment wounds, especially the feeling of being alone, is very deep work. I do not often delve into it right away as it contains some of the most painful wounds. My first step with new clients is to build a solid relationship of trust together. When using EMDR therapy for healing attachment wounds it is important to assess and then, if necessary, develop positive attachment resources prior to processing the negative experiences we had in life as a young child.
Building an Attachment Resource
One of the ways we do this in EMDR is by building an attachment figure.
An attachment figure can be used to give ourselves words of compassion and imagine receiving affection and care. Receiving love from someone outside of ourselves can feel more acceptable than hearing the words from our own self when we are feeling very low and having critical self-talk. Using an attachment figure can build our internal adaptive information so we can process painful events from the past with more ease.
Remember an attachment figure does not invalidate or negate what you went through in childhood. It is ok and normal to feel grief and sadness that you did not receive this care in life when you needed it.
This exercise may feel triggering and difficult- if so take a break, and come back, or do it with a therapist.
It may feel uncomfortable at first but when practiced regularly it may feel more comfortable than initially after the initial grief and sadness is felt of not receiving this when you were young and needed it.
I often use Thomas Zimmerman’s script for developing attachment resources but it is important to note that this is just one way to develop and build attachment resources.
Here is a summary of the steps to developing an attachment future.
Think about or journal about who was there for you when you were young, even just a little. If no one was there, that is ok, this is why we are doing this exercise. If this brings up grief, remember you can stop at any time.
Think of a relational slot (aunt, uncle, grandma, friend’s parent, teacher, coach- we try to avoid choosing the relational slot of those who abused or hurt you). We want to choose someone who would be close enough that you could see them regularly and visit them. It may not be a real person but a composite of the people you have felt loved and safe with in your life, or it can be an animal or imaginary being.
Run through different scenarios imagining yourself as a child or adult (your choice): receiving, taking care of you while you are sick, giving you advice, helping you solve problems, making you food, playing with you, and enjoying spending time with you.
Remember it is normal to experience grief and sadness in this process. If it feels intense you can take a break or use grounding strategies, and you can also imagine receiving care from this figure as you feel this sadness or grief.
Healing from attachment trauma can be a multi-layered process that can take time. By developing an attachment figure trauma therapy can be done with less difficulty. Using an attachment resource is also a helpful way to show yourself self-compassion on a daily basis and create connection between the adult and child parts of yourself. Developing trusting and safe relationships with others and finding a trained trauma therapist can also help heal our attachment wounds.
Reach out today to connect with an EMDR trained Trauma Therapist in Vancouver, BC in-person or online to begin your healing from attachment wounds.
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